Tuesday, May 2, 2017

I'm The Tumor, The People I Love Is The Body

"You remember Steve?" 
"Which Steve" 
"Steve James from Houston" 
"Oh yes, the nice hair one" 
"Yassss. Well bad news i just found out he passed away" 
"omg I'm sorry to hear that. From what?" 
"Suicide. I'm still in shock"

It happens. 
Like a seed that been planted it grows for a while, and became a tree. Big tree at one day grows bigger veiling us from the sunshine. The days became darker and the night become the darkest. So strong it rooted deeply into the deepest mind soil.
At some point, you decided to cut down the tree and you feel the sun ray on your face it become the happiest time of your life. You found someone new, someone you love, and new circle to talk to but there's that emptiness that always been there.
It's like a shadow that weights you down after a loudest laughter. Several drinks with friends on the weekends did lessen the weight.
I guess it is the root. 
The root that been abandoned for a long time and it grows again and popped into the surface.
It made sense if you see everything in your life was so tangled and weigh you down. It's like a way when you say enough for one time and think "What if I'm gone?" it all made sense. The trouble that have to cross you or you crossed means nothing anymore. No more sadness no more stress. No cancer that can gets you or ugly cardiovascular diseases. No more emptiness that you can't cover up.
It made sense if you seems doesn't matter. No one reminds you that you matter all you do is you remind people that they matter to them but they don't take it seriously.
It's the tree root that fed from the happy thoughts and turn it back to deeply saddened mind. People think it stops us from getting the real happiness but what is a real happiness though?
Why does everyone thinks getting married and have a children is a real happiness? Why does that have to be an example of a real happiness? Are all the happiness in the world is real when you do those things that is the major epitome of happiness?
That is where we stop it before it makes people happy, and we end it up there. It makes people sad. They thought they had it for forever but no it went that way and disappear. We rather end it all before it is unwittingly happier. We shut up before it is the loudest. We turn off the light when it is the dimmest, we quit when it is the most boring.

It feels like a tumor that grows on your ear you could cut that off and live your life like nothing has happened or life your life with that burden.
I'm the tumor and the people i love is the person.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

dotan saguy is following me he is one of the photographers around

There is always something better than you own now. There is always someone better than that someone you met on that perfect day when the sun shine brightest and the night is cherished by the stars and the moon. There will be always something better than you thought sits on top of the mountain of your feelings the best of the best from what you think is the best.

I was those who do not know about the concept of marriage. I don't know what is the point of sharing your life with someone and then you end up losing your freedom, no more money for hobby, no more hanging out with your friends, no more traveling solo, no more sipping coffee alone in a random coffee shop, and it will be more disastrous when there is money involved. What is the fucking point of marrying someone that kept you as prisoner for the rest of your life. You are less free. Less free from doing anything you want. You will lose everything you know that was fun. It took away your whole life. You stop. You stop finding yourself, stop chasing your dreams, throw away your dream to a music career, stop building a custom lightsaber, and dresses more formal. You just simply lose your true self. I mean fuck! Nobody wants to be on that stage of life. I wanted to be happy and chase those dreams of mine and that means more happiness in me.

but then something happens

There will be a time when you met someone, it might be the one you less expected or you might expect it and believe. You might have been waiting for her for the rest of your life. There will be a time when you talk to her, you will be dazzled by the inexplicable frequency of jokes that you make, the sounds you screamed, and the gestures that you did. It all magically understood by someone. It was surreal and at the same time comforting to met someone that knows you more than the eye. They understand you as if directly to your soul. You know when you see her. You admire her. You love her smile, you love her hair style, you love her big eyes. Those red blush that she made on her cheek, and that hair bun that she put on. The sound of her voice is the sounds that made you happy and excited inside. Then all you wanted to do is just to keep her smile. You want her to be happy and you want to make sure of that. You want to make sure she is treated right, she is healthy, she's in the best condition that she should've deserve. Yes you want to make sure of that. You want to make sure she gets all the best things in the world.

Then you came to a realisation. It came like a lightning strike and you would think that she is "the one" but is she feel the same way. Then you asked and found out that she felt the same way like you do. It was an unexplainable feeling. It makes you act like a fool. Yes you are a fool now. You know when you look at her it was that smile that you want to look forever. It was those laughter that you want to decorate your life with. There is someone who can push you going after your dream, and make you the best version of yourself.

It's such a good feeling to love or to be loved. Such a great feeling to be able to do that.
And I'm grateful about it everyday on my life.

Sunday, July 10, 2016

I was lost and now i am found

Hey there,
It started when i was so lost. I wanted to get along fine with myself more i quit my job, do something else entirely different and let go of the things that been holding me down including something or someone. It started with letting go of the things that makes me comfortable. Getting constant money from it and doesn't do something else than working. Well yeah it was weird for me you work all your life and spent the hard work later on when you are 60, what are you going to do when you are 60 with that plenty of money and where were you as long as 22 - 59? So that was when i decided to say fuck it and let go the most important thing to keep on surviving and that is money source. I said i quit on that particular afternoon in a coffee shop and at the same time indirectly said to the boring routine, stress, peer pressure, and office politics. It was a brief moment of silence. I was in shock, and my boss too. He sat there like about to open his mouth to make things straight with that look that signaling that he knows that this isn't personal but he can't insist me to stay either and then he gave me a week off before the designated date and i kept being paid for the rest of the month.
Second thing i did was letting go of the people that been slowing me down. Holding me down from the things that i want the most and instead they are driving me towards fulfilling theirs I'm not going to tell you that was easy but it should give you more peace of mind and the most important part is, you get to do what you love without someone telling you not to do it. I think this is important because you need positivity, and you should surround yourself with those who are positive as well. In that way you are going towards the best things in your life.I got to tell you that this is the best things in YOUR life because all the best things in life is relative to the individual. 
The third thing i did was doing the thing that I've been wanting to do and i wished i had time to do it. Yes now, i got time and money in my hands so i decided to do what i wanted to do and put money aside for a while. So i decided to take a Barista Certificate. Which is truth to be told totally different from the things i used to do. I learned new things, i was treated like how house maid been treated on, and that was a new kind of experience that let in in my life.
The philosophy behind it is like i used to swam against the current and resisting hard the where it takes me to, but now I'm doing the opposite. Instead of I'm doing what "it should have because that is what used to happen down here" into "oh ok great! Let's see what life brings into me after this" kind of behavior.
Let me tell you the things that I've been doing this last 6 months. I'm living on 1/10th cost of my usual monthly cost it's not beacause I'm being hard on myself or i starve to death to save those money. But i think it is enough to keep me live a healthy life and keep paying those cups of coffee that I've been spending to keep myself awake through those deadline catching nights. And also movie tickets for date night! Wait... Oh yes that, i met the one when i was doing what i always wanted to do. She's funny, she made me laugh, she's beautiful, and made me having this somekind of weird amnesia that there is always been a better looking woman out there but no, i want this woman. This woman is the kind of woman that you met and you knew and sure that everything is going to be alright with her. And you don't want anyone messes around with her so what i did, i told her that she is the one after a week of dating, and propose her the next month. Ain't you surprised on what live takes you to the things that you always wanted to be?
I'm doing design business which is what i always wanted to do too!
Now I'm living my dream. I always wanted to be like this. If my 17 years old see me where i am going to be in 10 years, he would be shocked in disbelieve. But remember it's not because you are not fortunate enough to chase something. But i think you should do what you love where you can't stop doing it and work your way up through there to the with a commitment to say yes to where the life brings you to, keep it true to your heart don't ever hear the logical thinking of yours. If you think too much about it and making excuses about  why you are going to do it, you "might" be in the wrong decision. The route that your heart choses might be not the best logical way to solve the solution but once you follow it, you will be so happy because yoi are doing what you want not what you need to do.
See, i was lost but now I'm found.

Thursday, June 23, 2016

The therapist and the man laying down. She made him confess about a lot of things.

When you lose your grasp on your possession, you lose your reality.
And when you lose your reality, you become crazy.

Some people is not acting like you wanted to and you can't control it. Listen to me carefully they were there not going to hurt your feeling. They were there just because they are. God created them just for a sign that you are not going to act that way. They were an example of good or bad or ugly. An example of what you could have been if you lose yourself and not turn yourself into positive thoughts.

Monday, May 2, 2016

Gettin' It Werk

Moving forward so fast that you forget to take a break and enjoy the view.
The air breeze on my cheek, caressing, loving sun ray bathe my skin, and the roar of the beastly machine.
There were some times that i forget if this real life or am i hallucinating.
The sign of living is just simply breathing
and breathing is the only thing you need to live
to be alive
life is simply about being alive and you make a big fuss about it.
Wind noise, motorcycle passing down the street, that throttle i pushed down to the limit is the sign that i am alive.

human are organic, machine is the beast.
human create the machine
then who is the evil

Monday, March 21, 2016

Polaroid Monochrome film 600 and the front gate

Those flames
Old fire
That it spreads like a wild fire 

Hound Dog fights in the corner of the road and i was standing right in the middle

It's so wonderful to know that there is a single person acts, thinks, talk, throwing jokes exactly like you do
They responds to things just like how you want they to
They react and loves you just as much as you do to them
How amazing if that someone is happened to be the one person that you want them to look like

It feels unreal
It feels right
It is unbelieveable